CIA Denies Introducing Fran Drescher Into U.S. To Fund African Dictatorships

The Central Intelligence Agency allegedly introduced actress and activist Fran Drescher into American communities and homes in the 1990s to raise funds to support the governments of Mali and Niger in their efforts to crush the violent Tuareg insurgency, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The entertainment publication detailed its allegation in a series called Loud Alliance published October 15 alleging the CIA received funds in 1991 for releasing the comedienne and actress from a Russian prison where, despite being she kept in a reinforced bunker several miles underground, guards were regularly treated for hearing problems and post-traumatic stress disorder from enduring hours of Drescher’s shrill, nasally voice and loud, obnoxious laugh.

Drescher would go on to star in the horrifying sitcom “The Nanny,” that resulted in the burst eardrums and induced nightmares of millions of Americans during the show’s run from 1993-1999, and made many viewers realize their aunt actually isn’t that annoying.

The CIA allegedly funnelled revenues made from the CBS show and associated merchandise to the Mali and Niger governments to fund their military and infrastructure to defeat the Tuareg rebels in 1995. Remaining revenues have been used to fight further Tuareg rebellions in those countries, the series alleges.

The Reporter has declined to provide the identity of its confidential source to protect the individual from unsolicited contact from the actress, who would likely be even louder and use a more screechy voice than usual

The CIA is adamantly denying the allegations, calling them “unfounded and treasonous,” and is demanding The Reporter immediately print a correction and retraction.

The CIA has previously been accused by government whistleblowers and journalists of introducing illegally-sold heroin into black neighborhoods in the eastern United States in the 1940s to fund its covert operations to combat communism, enabling the sale of crack cocaine in Los Angeles in the 1980s to raise money for the Contras rebel group in Nicaragua, and coordinating the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

In a statement CIA Director Gina Haspel said allowing such a threat to the public health and safety of the Americans people would not be in keeping with the mission and values the CIA has worked so hard to maintain since its creation in 1947.

“We at the CIA do have standards, and would never be part of boosting the career of such a dangerous individual who has put Americans’ hearts, minds and ears in great jeopardy over the past two decades, regardless of any great need to disable groups seeking to overthrow governments our agency endorses,” Haspel said. “We would rather the American public think of us as an organization that assassinates world leaders who don’t support American corporations exploiting their countries, and who has carried out a very deadly drone strike program in the Middle East that has killed thousands of innocent people, than to associate us with someone who should never be allowed near a microphone or camera again.”

Drescher could not be reached for comment, but her publicist did tell The Reporter she would prefer to conduct any such interview over the phone or in person, rather than through e-mail.

Poll: Most Bisexual American Men Still Likely To Wed Women

In a recent Washington Post/Gallup poll, 81 percent of American bisexual men said they will still most likely get married to a woman, just to be safe, despite the Supreme Court ruling Friday that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide.

“I mean I am definitely still going to hook up in secret with men behind my wife’s back, but I’ll be able to maintain the appearance I am straight and monogamous to my friends, family and co-workers,” said bisexual man Brian Halbrook, 31, of Wichita, Kan., who responded to the poll. “This is a great thing for gay people though as they really have no choice regarding their sexuality.”

The poll also found 97 percent of American heterosexual men expect bisexual women to still be down for a threesome after marrying a woman.