God: Stop Building Shit On Sundays

In religious news, The Almighty Lord God held a news conference this morning outside of the Pearly Gates. His spokesperson, The Metatron, said the omniscient creator of existence is ordering humans to cease at once with the home improvement projects on Sundays because it is His day of rest and he’s trying to sleep in.

“Did none of you read Genesis? Enough with the racket!” said God through Metatron. “Your loud singing at church is bad enough. I have a killer hangover and the sounds of hammering and buzz saws are making my headache 10 times worse. My son is a huge fan of the United States and decided to celebrate last night and got me pissy drunk with his ‘water.’ Christ, I am never drinking again.”